Let Go, Let God

I am in a bible study right now about true faith. Today's reading was in Genesis 22: 1 - 14. It's where Abraham goes to the mountain to sacrifice his only son, Isaac. When reading through the passage I realized my faith is nothing when compared to Abraham.

Yesterday's reading was 1 Samuel 1: 7-20. This passage is where Hannah goes to the temple distraught over her barrenness. She asks God to give her a son and that she would in turn dedicate him back to the Lord. And she does.

My faith is nothing like Hannah. I have since been struggling with letting go and letting God take control. There is something I have been struggling with for the past 14 weeks and I thought I had given it to God, but the fear keeps coming back and I fight to give it up again. My struggle now... Have I really given it to God if I keep having the fear come back?

At 20 weeks into my pregnancy, the doctors did a detailed ultrasound on my son. Some measurements were off and they sent me the following week to a specialist. I cried all week and that Sunday I went to the altar and let my heart out to God. I told Him I was giving the fear and anxiety I felt to Him and that I knew He was in control of the situation. I felt so relieved and like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Then the next day the doctors did not leave me with great news.

I was told that the measurement between my son's brain and skull was borderline for Downs Syndrome. The heart defect they were concerned about "looked fine" at the time, but the last thing the doctor said as I walked out the door was that if he was born healthy the doctor wouldn't be surprised. If I came back and he was born with a birth defect, he wouldn't be surprised. All the fear and anxiety came rushing back. It took another two weeks before I won the battle and gave it back to God.

10 weeks went by without giving it another thought. Then all of a sudden with just six weeks to go in my pregnancy the fears have started creeping back in.

My main struggle has been did I really give it to God before if it keeps coming back up? It is something that has really been bothering me. Did I really trust in God and give Him control?

Sleepless nights

It's become a normal thing for me to get little to no sleep. I guess my body is preparing me for the birth of my son.

I used to get annoyed, but now I spend the time reading the Bible to my son. One of my favorite verses is Prov 15:1. A kind word can bring peace to a situation but a harsh word just breeds anger. I have to remember that in all of my relationships; however, I feel particularly drawn to this when dealing with my marriage. My hormones have my emotions on overdrive but if I learn to stop and think about my reaction, I can diffuse a potentially harmful situation to my marriage. I love my husband and I want to keep my marriage fresh and strong..

The Final Weeks

Last January, we took our youth on our annual True Love Waits weekend. During the weekend, God worked on my heart. I had always wanted children, but felt Ryan and I weren't ready. I felt that children may not even be a possibility because of medication that I was on during my teenage years. Some of those medications, a female doctor took me off of because she feared the same thing.

Even through the weekend, I felt God pushing maternal feelings and the desire for a baby. We returned home, and I told Ryan about what God had been laying on my heart. We prayed about it, but I still had doubts and wanted things on my timing...which was after I finished my Master's Degree and after our maternity insurance hit 100% in March of 2011.

I am so thankful for God and His timing. The day I got my schedule of classes for my Master's program (also the Saturday before Father's Day of 2010), I took the test and squealed! I was happy. God has given me a son, who in just a few weeks I will hold in my arms.

Ironically, (or not so) I am due the same month we are taking the youth to True Love Waits this year. February will never be the same and I have learned that when God speaks, listen and not to doubt.

When I would go a day without my medication in high school or middle school.... I would be sick for a month. God has given my body the strength to last these past 28 weeks (thats how long I have been without all of my prescription meds) with little problems. No hospitalizations or trips to the ER that always followed a missed dose in high school.

When God leads your heart, he also guides you along the path pushing aside the briars and thistles. God has gone before me holding up branches down this path and has taught me so much about learning how to follow Him and trust in Him.