Let Go, Let God

I am in a bible study right now about true faith. Today's reading was in Genesis 22: 1 - 14. It's where Abraham goes to the mountain to sacrifice his only son, Isaac. When reading through the passage I realized my faith is nothing when compared to Abraham.

Yesterday's reading was 1 Samuel 1: 7-20. This passage is where Hannah goes to the temple distraught over her barrenness. She asks God to give her a son and that she would in turn dedicate him back to the Lord. And she does.

My faith is nothing like Hannah. I have since been struggling with letting go and letting God take control. There is something I have been struggling with for the past 14 weeks and I thought I had given it to God, but the fear keeps coming back and I fight to give it up again. My struggle now... Have I really given it to God if I keep having the fear come back?

At 20 weeks into my pregnancy, the doctors did a detailed ultrasound on my son. Some measurements were off and they sent me the following week to a specialist. I cried all week and that Sunday I went to the altar and let my heart out to God. I told Him I was giving the fear and anxiety I felt to Him and that I knew He was in control of the situation. I felt so relieved and like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Then the next day the doctors did not leave me with great news.

I was told that the measurement between my son's brain and skull was borderline for Downs Syndrome. The heart defect they were concerned about "looked fine" at the time, but the last thing the doctor said as I walked out the door was that if he was born healthy the doctor wouldn't be surprised. If I came back and he was born with a birth defect, he wouldn't be surprised. All the fear and anxiety came rushing back. It took another two weeks before I won the battle and gave it back to God.

10 weeks went by without giving it another thought. Then all of a sudden with just six weeks to go in my pregnancy the fears have started creeping back in.

My main struggle has been did I really give it to God before if it keeps coming back up? It is something that has really been bothering me. Did I really trust in God and give Him control?